


bitter seeds and posioned leaves

by Merlinnn



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, HIV/AIDS, M/M, almost non-con, check notes, sexual health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 19:08:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19257385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlinnn/pseuds/Merlinnn
Summary: "They never taught you in school that sex was meant to make you feel something, and make you feel good."A series of events in Harry's sex life over the years.





	bitter seeds and posioned leaves

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. The main ship here is Jarry, despite evidence to the contrary. So much of Harry's sex life has been with Ste because he was only 17 when they got together, so therefore exploring his sex life means writing Starry. 
> 
> 2\. There is an almost non-con moment. It isn't detailed and it doesn't go on for long however it is there. Skip part "II." to miss it, skipping this section shouldn't greatly affect the fic. (SPOILER: Ste penetrates Harry, Harry says no, Ste only stops after three repeated verbal "stops" from Harry) 
> 
> 3\. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having HIV and I don't want anyone to take away from this fic that having HIV and having a negative partner isn't okay because that isn't the point I'm trying to make; rather the focus is on Harry's relationships themselves through the lense of his sexual health
> 
> 4\. Title from "We Come One" by Faithless, aka the song that plays when Harry finds Kyle alive in the limo.
> 
> 5\. Please enjoy it!!! This has been a bit of a negative notes section but I'd rather give people fair warning xx

 

 

It had been a fact of life for as long as he’d been having sex. Despite being at a private boarding school, Harry had recieved a fairly comphrehensive sex education, even if it was a little homophobic and deigned to talk about sexual health between two guys or two girls, which Harry found more than little ironic considering the dorimtory set up.

Either way it had been drilled into him to use condoms to prevent pregnancies and STIs and Harry was no idiot; he knew that it was equally important between two guys, even if pregnancy was off the cards. And so when he slept with Ste that first time, he hadn’t thought much of it, and later when he learnt of Ste’s HIV diagnosis in a garbled, badly-worded speech one night, he hadn’t thought much of that either. As long as they were safe and used protection, there was no harm right?

  
**I.**

Except it had been a quickie in that shed after school on a Thursday night, _although, when wasn’t it a quickie?_ , and after Harry pulled out he noticed the long tear in the condom as he rolled it off.

“Ste,” he began quietly, not sure how he’d respond, “I think the condom split.” He held it aloft as if to prove his point.

Ste immediately shuffled back and pushed at Harry’s bare torso with two hands, moving him as far away as possible.

“Hey Ste, it’s okay,” said Harry, lifting his own arms in a placating gesture, “it’ll be okay,”

“No, no, no” said Ste, grabbing at a pair of jogging bottoms, _Harry’s, technically_ , and yanked them on followed by a shirt, “there’s, there’s a pill you can take, it stops the spread or, or it stops the infection completely, it’s called Pep? Prep? Something, c’mon Harry put some clothes on,” he said frantically, tossing trousers at him.

“Ste calm down. It’ll be okay, we can go to the pharmacy,” he said but it didn’t slow Ste down, already tying his trainers and giving no Harry no choice but to get dressed too.

Two days later Harry got the phone call from the sexual health clinic that gave him the all clear and Ste, knee bouncing next to him, had grabbed him by the chin and kissed him forcefully at the news and was smiling manically.

“Look Harry, I’m so sorry right, I mean it’s unlikely you’d ever get infected like, topping an’ that, but I’m still so sorry,” said Ste, one hand still clasped against Harry’s cheek and Harry had smiled dopily and kissed Ste back.

“It’s okay Ste. I knew what I was getting into, and I love you so much,” he said and that was that; it had been a scare but he was okay and besides, the chances were slim, right?

 

  
**II.**

Except there had been that time that Ste had come home full of fast, frantic energy. They were crashing at Leela’s by this point and Harry was half-asleep in the spare-spare room (originally Rose’s nursery and now haphazardly filled with a double bed) when Ste had stumbled in laughing, pulling off his top as he’d crawled into the bed.

“Harryyyy!” he singsonged, tugging at Harry’s top as he’d giggled and smushed his face to Harry’s, “I love you Harry!”

_Older, wiser, smarter Harry would’ve seen the signs straight away; sweaty brow, eyes wide and darting, jaw vibrating as he spoke, but at the time Harry had put it down to excitement, or horniness or just happiness to be there, with him._

“I love you too,” he’d laughed, letting Ste pull off his shirt and pyjama pants in quick succession as he kissed him wetly. Ste grinded his hips down against Harry’s, grinning as Harry let out a moan and bucked up against Ste’s strong hold, hands digging into his biceps. They didn’t do it like this very often, Ste preferring Harry on top, but clearly Ste was in the particular mood. And with his tongue halfway down Harry’s throat, Ste had reached into the bedside table and pulled out the lube, pressing two fingers into Harry before he could even say anything. Harry shuffled uncomfortably, letting out an undignified grunt as Ste continued to roughly finger him, giggling in his ear.

“Good?” Ste asked, crooking his fingers harshly and Harry nodded automatically, teeth biting into his lip. Ste laughed at that, he hadn’t stopped giggling since he’d come crashing through the door, as he pulled out his fingers and swiftly lubed up his cock and pressed into Harry in one motion. Harry jolted, the pressure unexpected, but Ste only pressed in further, thinking Harry was asking for more.

“Ste,” said Harry, trying to rise against the hands holding his biceps down, “Ste please,” he said again, trying to shove as forcefully as he could manage. Ste merely laughed again, pulling out and pushing back in again as he kissed down Harry’s neck, not hearing his protestations.

“Ste!” shouted Harry, finally pushing him away with two hands against his chest and Ste, eventually, pulled out and sat up on his haunches, frowning down at Harry.

“Why didn’t you stop?” asked Harry quietly, pulling his knees up against his chest and looking anywhere but at Ste.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I’m sorry,” rambled Ste, looking at his hands as if they were alien to him, eyes glistening in that way they did when he was sorry and confused and guilty. “I’m sorry Harry.”

“It’s… It’s okay, Ste,” said Harry, touching Ste’s arm reassuringly, “It’s okay, just, well, there wasn’t a condom,” he said softly, glancing down at Ste.

“I didn’t realise,” whispered Ste again, glancing down at himself as if he hadn’t noticed his own corporeal form.

“It’s okay.”

“I just didn’t notice.”

“Ste, it’s okay, let’s just go to sleep yeah?”

“Yeah,” he whispered as he gently rolled over to his side of the bed, arms tugged around his torso and back turned to Harry, who remained curled over himself, watching Ste turn from him. Eventually Harry unfurled his knees and turned in the bed, facing the skinny expanse of Ste’s back.

In the morning Ste had brought him a coffee in bed, eyes ringed with dark, mottled circles, before taking him to the pharmacy to get the PEP tablets. He got the call a couple of days later, and neither of them mentioned the event that had led to Harry’s check up, or the fact that Ste’s sobriety chip was null and void.

 

**III.**

Except Ste was clean now, properly clean and had his life together; they had a _home_ at Tony and Diane’s and he had a proper business, Ste’s Lunchbox was up and coming. And Harry loved him, he did, they had a life and a family and a future but it was like everything was behind an impenetrable screen. He knew he should feel something as the world passed him by but he could never manage it.

So that lazy Sunday morning when they should be opening the Lunchbox but instead spent another hour in bed, Harry asked Ste to be on top. Being on the bottom still didn’t make him feel anything when it was with paying men, but he didn’t love them like he loved Ste. Maybe this could make him feel again. Ste had frowned at the request; Harry rarely asked and Ste had just assumed he wasn’t a fan of it, but he loved Harry and obliged, slowly prepping him and pressing into him softly. Neither even remembered when Ste had been less kind or careful; that was truly in the past. Before long, _too soon, thought Harry_ , Ste was coming inside him, sucking wet kisses over his pulse like a teenager. Harry came soon after, eyes still shut as Ste pulled out and gasped.

“What is it?” asked Harry, eyes snapping open as he quickly shuffled back.

“Don’t freak out right, but I think the condom broke,” said Ste.

“Oh shit,” said Harry, watching as Ste got rid of the condom, “Is the clinic open on Sundays?”

“I dunno. I’ll google it, yeah?” replied Ste, leaning over to get his phone.

Harry remained half sat up in bed, looking over at the bin as his thoughts rumbled through his mind. It was hardly the first time an accident had happened between them and it was always okay, except this time Harry couldn’t help but think what would happen if this hadn’t been Ste; if it had been some sleazy man in the back of his car. He sold himself for cash and was always, always careful, for being with Ste had taught him that, but this could happen at any time. He still couldn’t find it in him to start panicking.

“Oi Harry,” called Ste from across the bed, “There’s one in Chester open on Sundays. Quick bus trip and we can be back in time for the lunch rush.”

“Great,” replied Harry, already reaching for his boxers.

The clinic was suitably quiet for a Sunday morning; at least some people respected the Lord’s day. They got an appointment quickly and as they were ushered to Room 4, Harry darkly realised it was time for his checkup anyway. Ste didn’t know he was here every month getting checked. The nurse was sweet, and understanding as Harry explained, then ran through her standard questionnaire.

“Have you paid, or been paid for sex in the last six months?” _One glance at Ste; “No.”_

“How long since your last checkup?” _Furtive look to the left_ ; _“Maybe 4 months?"_

“How many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?”

_Ste’s laugh and an elbow jab, “Just me innit, gonna get married we are.”_

_A stunted smile from Harry, “Yeah, just one.”_

By Tuesday he was sat by the phone waiting for the call. He wasn’t normally anxious for the call, he was always careful with the guys he met and he knew whatever happened he’d deal with it. Except he wondered what would happen if this was the time; if he did get HIV would he have to tell his customers? Was that the done thing? The phone rang and he was negative and all clear and that was that. Ste pressed a kiss to his forehead in the cramped space of the Lunchbox and grinned. 

“See, told you it’d be alright!”

Harry couldn’t find the right emotion to agree.

 

**IV.**

Except now it was months later and James’s home was practically a B&B by this point, forcing James and Harry into the single bed in the spare room. James had had a run in with Mac in the village and come home pissed off and stressed and _grumpy_ and so despite Romeo and Juliet on the Xbox and Marnie in the kitchen, Harry had pulled James to the bedroom with a soft kiss.

And James had kissed him back, harder and more desperate and had pushed him down onto the single bed, covering his body with his long limbs and Harry had never been good at saying no to James when he asked to be on top. And Harry had never been good at staying quiet, despite the house full of guests, so as James pushed into him, hard and gentle and deep, he pressed his hand over Harry’s mouth preemptively, watching the wicked gleam in his eyes as he fucked him. He removed his hand halfway to lean down and kiss Harry, changing pace and rocking his hips agonizingly slowly before slapping his hand back over his mouth before Harry could moan again. The gleam in Harry’s eyes turned decidedly childish and with his hands curled over James’s thighs, trying to push him to go faster, he licked across James’s palm and James burst out laughing, whipping his hand away and giving Harry what he wanted, fucking into him at a punishing pace.

“That what you wanted?” he whispered in his ear, softly kissing below his lobe and Harry responded with a throaty groan as James took him in his hand, jerking at his cock till Harry came across their chests and James coming soon after, pressed deep in Harry. He slowly pulled out, rolling off the condom.

“Oops,” laughed James, “guess we went too hard. Condom broke,” he said and Harry reacted as if he’d been slapped, pushing James backwards as he scrambled off the side of the skinny bed.

“Oh fuck,” he said, “Shit, shit shit,”

“Harry?” asked James, watching him frantically yank on garments of clothes that had been strewn on the floor, “Harry what’s wrong?”

“James, get dressed,” he responded, throwing the dress trousers at him, “We need to go to the pharmacy.”

And James, with a sudden burst of understanding, leant over and grabbed Harry’s arms, pulling him back onto the bed half-dressed.

“Hey, we don’t need to go anywhere okay? We’re both negative, we got tested, it’s okay.”

Harry stopped his panicked movements and looked at James, sprawled over the bed still naked just to touch him and reassure him and he nodded.

“Shit. Yeah. Sorry. I’m sorry, I’m just used to it aren’t I.”

“I know,” said James quietly, pulling Harry with him as he shifted to lie back on the bed, Harry’s body draped over his as it was the only way they could really both fit. Harry could hear the resilient pounding of James’s heart beneath his skin, could feel his own slowing down from the wretched panic it had been before.

“That panic was good,” he whispered to the silent air of the room, James’s hand resting on the small of his back.

“It was?”

“Yeah. I felt something.”

And James leant up to press a kiss to his temple and drag his hand over his spine the way Harry liked.

 

**V.**

Except it had never been about Ste’s HIV, or the condom breaking. They never taught you in school that sex was meant to make you feel something, and make you feel good.

 


End file.
